I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
