im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
