I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
