i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Randomize
