i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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