the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Randomize
