I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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