You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
