you're like a bully in the Christmas story
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
