Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
