Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
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