I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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