we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
