This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
