I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
