I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Randomize
