i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
