i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
