Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
