I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
