I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
