He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
