I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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