You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
