Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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