one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
