You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
