I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
