I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
