It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
