im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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