I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
