Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
