I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
