Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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