my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
