I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
