Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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