Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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