I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
