My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
