The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I can't turn off my feet"
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
