Please don't use social media to get back at me.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
