I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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