u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Randomize
