if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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