Why are handjobs necessary in class?
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
