Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Just invented taco cereal.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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