Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
