If i could tip my vagina, i would.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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