ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
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